So tonight I went on Match.com to look around. I know, you are thinking, what the hell are you doing on Match? What about the live in boyfriend? I was looking. Not buying. And ya, I know I should not get lured into temptation, but no worries there. If anything, if the dudes I saw living within 50 miles of me in the age group of 29-39, (32 pages worth) is all I had to choose from, I would rather stay in a miserable relationship. No offense to the dudes, I am not saying I am ‘all that’, its just not one man even caught my eye in the way of being interested in any way.
Not that I am in a miserable relationship – I am not – I just have not decided if this is forever.
He has – yikes – if it was up to the boyfriend, we would be married already. This is why the average marriage in America only lasts 7 years. That number seems high to me though. I think in California it is probably more like 3 years. (And in Hollywood 1, year). To me, every relationship does not have to be the rest of your life. Instead of the type of girl that is planning marriage from date one, I do not even want to hear that word for the first 5 years of a relationship. I need plenty of time to decide if I can deal with you forever. And usually, 5 years is a good amount of time to see another person’s complete palette of personality colors. This relationship is somewhere around the 3 year mark – and I find myself with a daily struggle of how much longer I can make this work.
When I was married, I loved my (ex)husband with every fiber of my being. From the instance I saw him in the gym of my high school on the first day of my senior year, I was hit with the cupid arrow. We had A love that at times could be amazing, priceless, fulfilling, joyful, and passionate – but equally at times could be toxic, obsessive, and emotionally destructive. After 13 years, I left. I decided that I was not willing to live another day unhappy, no matter how much I loved him. There are still days that I question my decision.
What I have accepted is that I will love him forever, I will care about him and always be here if he needs something, but it is not good for me to be in a romantic relationship with this man. He is who he is and I am who I am, and I am not willing to give up my dreams and desires just to be married. I have too many things to accomplish while I am here.
One of my biggest complaints with him, and what I used to desire more than anything back then, is to have a man that was affectionate, praiseful, loving, faithful, trustworthy, and treated me like a queen. My ex was none of these things. My new man is all of them.
The only problem is – it has been 3 years – and I do not know if I will ever develop the same deep feelings for him that I had for my ex. I try. I hope. I wonder – what should I do? Do I stay here forever, because I know how much he loves me, he tells me that I am priceless and irreplaceable, and he will make it work no matter what. Do I sacrifice my feelings? I think, if I break it off, and destroy yet another human being, will I be screwed for good, never again meeting a good guy, left to roam the planet alone…? I don’t know what the hell to think. All I know, is right now, all is good. I am good. Not going anywhere. But I have not decided the rest of my life yet.
As far as Match.com…there was a guy with the screen name of Wacko…….do you see what the type of pickin’s are here in Cali? Wackos! Yikes! FYI: Dudes, when advertising yourself for women, don’t use the scare approach. No bueno.
Take this guy for example – he has jailbird written all over him to me. This is his profile picture. No wonder these guys are single!
